She stood before me, naked in my shed. ‘I’m yours for today,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando’s.

We tried various positions- round the back, up against a wall, but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

‘You’re obsessed!’ she cried, storming out, ‘You love this shed more than me!’ Obsessed? Ridiculous. Shed be back. I mean, she’d be back…

‘Make me feel pain like I’ve never felt,’ she pleaded, blindfolded & naked. ‘Alright,’ I said, placing the lego bricks on the shed floor…

I looked down at her. She’d been on her hands and knees for an hour. Finally I spoke. ‘Are you sure you lost your contact lens in here?’

By the time I’d finished, her bottom was bright pink - I’d mixed up the baby oil and Thousand Island dressing again.

I have to admit to one fetish - MILFs … Mowers I’d Like to Fix.

I was excited but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

We each drop our keys into the bowl. Before long we’ll be entering a world of forbidden delights. God, I love these shed-swapping parties.

‘Hurt me,’ she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. ‘Very well,’ I replied, ‘You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.’